Embracing all that I am.
*internal scream*
The last time I wrote was in March and a lot has a lot happened emotionally, I have experienced, I feel every emotion I possibly could, and I do not have any strategies to deal with them, just a flow of understanding towards them. Everything is always changing, and I do feel this heaviness towards change which I am trying to tackle because why shouldn’t I see change as a positive.
I had a major question at the start of this year: ‘What exactly is the correct way to live?’ and knowing, in november, that there is not a right answer has eased my worries.
I have felt so much shame for a long time because I felt I failed at living. In hindsight, it find it funny that I thought this way because what roadmap was I to live by, and why was I so adamant I was doing it wrong?
I think back to the language I would use in conversations with friends of mine; I can see how much I felt I failed just by the words I used, I would frame a lot of my conversations around ‘people thinking’ or ‘I should’; In particular, the ‘I should’ is how I berated myself for many years. It took me this long to realise that my story is not at its ending, it has just begun.
So, I’m currently working to let go of how I should be living and focus on what I like doing. Someday’s I can’t do much except make sure I am highly caffeinated. I overestimate how much I can cope with life obstacles, and I can only take a fraction of it. I am not strong, yet I can make sure I try each day to do better (by my own standards). In the past, the term strong indicated I would endure whatever I was tasked with, but not now, I know I am capable because I make sure to pour into myself through different sources, not because I am inherently a strong person.
Guilt
For a while, I wondered why I did not just get on with it, why did I have to cry and not continue, why did I not withstand it, like the others who share their success stories post-depression. I soon realised it’s because it was not part of my story. I was never meant to commit to the thing my body was telling me was not for me, I always ignored the signs and wondered why I would end up sad. It is not ordained for me to continue; it is ordained for me to change direction and I may quit but to quit is to leave permanently for something better. Letting go of the word ‘quit’ as a losers signature, a reminder of the thing I didn’t finish, would eat at my sense of self but I want to be well, would trade anything for that, so yes I may quit a thing or two, I am here with what I have, so I will have to make do.
My purpose on earth is to ‘be’ for a while. Do I always need to be doing something, why can’t I just relax.
I want to worry less about whether I am living as I am expected to — even while writing this I realise how absurd it sounds to succumb to this imaginary standard. All the discourse of agreeing-to-disagree reinforces the notion that it is either or, to be accepted. When we say we don’t care for what others think it’s because we are the majority — in terms of beauty, academics, career and love, all those things have worked out as they should, so when you fall short and change direction you don’t worry as much because it is still the standard and you don’t face exclusion.
I want to radically accept my authentic self even if it’s odd in eyes of the standard.
No one ever asks how you are feeling or the direction you want your life to go — in the moment, they just assume and then project their ideas of living onto you. It is hard because I am guilty of doing this as well, yet I think because I am conscious of it happening I stop myself when I feel I am pushing my narrative onto another life but It can be difficult because sometimes I know people do not do it in bad faith and many genuinely want what’s best for you. but they believe you have unfulfilled potential which is where , but not everyone has the mental capacity to be a go-getter, some people are suffering and can be in pain. Much of life is committing to survival because there can be so many obstacles that can catch you off-guard and it can be so demoralizing when you don’t bounce back as easily as expected.
We should not be seen as having unfulfilled potential. I speak on behalf of us I get it and I want space to be created for us, maybe when we feel better, we will go reach for the stars, but for now it is fine to only survive.
